A Discordian Contemplates Turning Thirty

Posted by : Rev. Ouabache | Thursday, May 13, 2010 | Published in



I am in the twilight of my youth, not that I'm going to remember it - Ryan Adams

Dorothy wake up, it's time for work - Cursive

My grandfather on my dad's side never made it to the age of sixty. He worked for the railroad in the 70's. Ended up dying of a massive heart attack using a handcart. Right in the middle of a big intersection in my hometown. Going by that standard I am now middle aged at 30. I know better than that though since my dad and almost all of his brothers have successfully reached the age of 60. (Besides, longevity doesn't seem to be genetic).

However, I can't help but feel that my best days are behind me now. Not that I had much of a Glory Day in the first place. I didn't turn out to be the super genius that my math teachers predicted. I didn't end up being the ultra-successful evangelists that my fellow church goers prophesied (LOL, true story). I didn't even become the brilliant chemist that I wanted to become. I would be sad about not achieving my goals except for the fact that I have a horrible habit of not setting goals in the first place. (Keeps ya from being disappointed, don't ya know?) I've somehow managed to make it through the angsty part of my twenties without being too scarred. Sure, everything I was told as a kid was a lie but I got over it!

Instead, I became domesticated. Just another cog in a massive corporate machine. A bland suburbanite with a loving wife, 1.5 kids, and a stack of bills. That's difficult for anyone to come to grips with but how should I, as a Discordian, feel about it? Us Discordians are supposed to be wacky and chaotic. I'm dull and predictable even down to clocking into work at the exact same time every night. I'm not a dancer, a poet, an artist, a magician, a clown or a maniac. My philosophy and theology came from a Cracker Jack box. I'm not even the social butterfly type since I am painfully introverted. My cabal has always consisted of one.

So, have I failed Discordia? Did I really lose the Essence of Eris? Do I have to stop using the label "Discordian"?

No, of course not. I know that me focusing on a arbitrary number of revolutions around the sun has put me into this brown funk. I still have the urge to mindfuck people at every chance. I still feel the need to "spit on my hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats". I'm still entranced by the fractal patterns of Jupiter's clouds. Eris's spirit is in everyone, whether they want it or not. I know that I have many decades of Chaos still in front of me. Now, if only I could figure out the spell to wake me from this slumber.

(4) Comments

  1. BeamStalk said...

    Now, if only I could figure out the spell to wake me from this slumber.

    Try cocaine or ground up Pez.

    May 13, 2010 at 9:04 AM
  2. Rev. Ouabache said...

    I've heard that pixie stix work better.

    May 13, 2010 at 12:00 PM
  3. Anonymous

    "don't ya know"

    are you from the upper midwestern US? it's ok if you are...

    May 29, 2010 at 1:21 PM
  4. Rev. Ouabache said...

    Central Midwest, actually. Indiana.

    May 29, 2010 at 1:31 PM

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